Near Death Experiences
Ok, in the past week I've nearly died a few times... I think a Higher Power is trying to kill me.
I'm traveling up 315 North on my way to work. I'm in the middle lane, happily cruising along. The exit before mine is just bumper to bumper stopped cars. No biggie. Driving along, kinda happy, which is rare nowadays. About 30' in front of me, this asshole pulls out of the stopped lane. I am going about 65 miles an hour! I slam on the brakes, look in the rear and sideviews, but I can't swerve into another lane because there are cars. So I slam even harder and hope my car can handle the stop!! Stop it did, INCHES from asshole's bumper. Horn was blaring the entire time. The guy did not even ACKNOWLEDGE that he tried to kill me. So I follow him, luckily he's going my way anyway. At the stop light off the exit, I roll my window down and exhaust every single profanity I know (which takes some time considering I've invented a few, like "jerkass" and "fucktard". I know he hears me because his window is rolled down. Feeling slightly vindicated I drive onwards to work.
A few days later I'm taking my dog to an offleash park for him to romp and play. Again, traveling up 315. There is some light construction on the highway, which there usually is anyway. All of the sudden one of the workers darts across the lanes to grab up his precious orange barrels for the night. The obligatory cop that's sitting there eating donuts while they sweat suddenly flips on his lights and jumps onto the freeway blocking the two lanes. Again, I have to slam on my breaks because of the short notice (although this time I was probably 50' away), cursing the cop and civil service jobs in general. I was probably angrier this time because I had my dog with me and should anything happen to HIM I am likely to go on a homicidal spree.
I'm pretty sure I had another near death thing the next day but I just don't recall what it was. I did get a bad haircut, never go to Great Clips. Every time I go there they butcher my hair. This time they made it whopper-jawed. I only needed 2" cut off to even it all up since it's growing out, and my left side is longer than my right. The stylist didn't believe me, it looked even to her. She snipped off the tiniest smidgeon to satisfy me but ya know what? I'm not satisfied. I wear my hair in pigtails until my next haircut.
I'm traveling up 315 North on my way to work. I'm in the middle lane, happily cruising along. The exit before mine is just bumper to bumper stopped cars. No biggie. Driving along, kinda happy, which is rare nowadays. About 30' in front of me, this asshole pulls out of the stopped lane. I am going about 65 miles an hour! I slam on the brakes, look in the rear and sideviews, but I can't swerve into another lane because there are cars. So I slam even harder and hope my car can handle the stop!! Stop it did, INCHES from asshole's bumper. Horn was blaring the entire time. The guy did not even ACKNOWLEDGE that he tried to kill me. So I follow him, luckily he's going my way anyway. At the stop light off the exit, I roll my window down and exhaust every single profanity I know (which takes some time considering I've invented a few, like "jerkass" and "fucktard". I know he hears me because his window is rolled down. Feeling slightly vindicated I drive onwards to work.
A few days later I'm taking my dog to an offleash park for him to romp and play. Again, traveling up 315. There is some light construction on the highway, which there usually is anyway. All of the sudden one of the workers darts across the lanes to grab up his precious orange barrels for the night. The obligatory cop that's sitting there eating donuts while they sweat suddenly flips on his lights and jumps onto the freeway blocking the two lanes. Again, I have to slam on my breaks because of the short notice (although this time I was probably 50' away), cursing the cop and civil service jobs in general. I was probably angrier this time because I had my dog with me and should anything happen to HIM I am likely to go on a homicidal spree.
I'm pretty sure I had another near death thing the next day but I just don't recall what it was. I did get a bad haircut, never go to Great Clips. Every time I go there they butcher my hair. This time they made it whopper-jawed. I only needed 2" cut off to even it all up since it's growing out, and my left side is longer than my right. The stylist didn't believe me, it looked even to her. She snipped off the tiniest smidgeon to satisfy me but ya know what? I'm not satisfied. I wear my hair in pigtails until my next haircut.
posted by MenagerieMayhem at 10:30 PM
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